Sometimes when I'm riding in an uber, I like to request another uber. Instant car chase.

Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five-state chase? Driver: I love to travel.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING