My house was burgled while I was out... My wife and I went out for the night to have a few drinks, she had put a stew in the slow cooker and we were going to have it when we got back but while we were out we were burgled, ransacked the place stole some money and my wife's jewellery. That wasn't even the worst part, before they left the swines took a shit in the slow cooker.... Who even does that?? Shitting in somones stew?? Utterly disgraceful.... Had to throw half of it out.

A family of cannibals are eating dinner... The mother looks over to her sullen son. ""What's wrong, dear?"" she asks, ""I don't like my sister!"" complains the boy, ""Well, just move her to the other side of the plate then. Finish your clown-loaf,"" The husband looks up from his meal and says, ""Honey, the clown tastes a little funny tonight. But this stew is fantastic!"" ""I'm so glad you like it!"" replies the wife, ""I made it with your mother,"" ""No *wonder* it tastes so good! I sure am gon…

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor ""Doctor I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."" ""Well"" the doctor replied ""go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness"". Sure enough the husband goes home and does exactly as …

A long joke about a monastery and a strange noise. A travelling salesman is driving along a dusty backroad to his next sale, when his car starts belching smoke. He sees storm clouds coming his way and night is falling soon. Getting out of the car he looks around for shelter and sees an antiquated old monastery on a hill not 5 minutes walk away. He heads over and knocks on the door just as the rain starts falling and a kindly monk answers. "Hi, my car is broken down on the road" says the sales…