Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

*friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*

WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.

Driving Home Drunk An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ""So,"" says the cop to the driver, ""where have ya been?"" ""Why, I've been to the pub of course,"" slurs the drunk. ""Well,"" says the cop, ""it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."" ""I did all right,"" the drunk says with a smile. ""Did you know,"" says the cop, standing straight an…