[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide] And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

What keeps fish from flying of Niagara Falls? They don't have a pilots license.

What do old men and the Niagara Falls have in common? Just receding.

Is it true the pigs went over Niagara Falls in a barrel? No that story's just a lot of hogwash.