Different Wavelengths The female brain works on a different tangent than male. Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her, ""Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"" My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of ad…

Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed i…

A few one liners from over the years If you can't be kind, at least be vague Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail Rehab is for quitters If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life Always remember your unique, just l…

Us Australians are a sensitive bunch Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an outback mobile phone tower. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife". Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, "Where'd yo…