For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.

An unsung legacy of Bill Clinton's presidency is that since he left office, no sitting President has shot a load on a non-spouse.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."