Stop bragging about your 10,000 lakes, Minnesota. You don't hear Iowa going on and on about its 12,000 smells.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Nobody's abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.