Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board From the back a guy shouts ""I'm a vegan!""

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise