My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen