*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!

Boss: Lunch meeting, let's go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*

*Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

Dead-Baby Jokes What is funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume. What is the difference between a baby and a onion? No one cries when you chop up the baby. What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon? One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon. What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board? Dart-boards don't bleed. What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar? About 500 calories. Why did the family take the dead baby al…