it's weird how Americans say "soccer" instead of "football" and my dad says "I wish you were dead" rather than "i love you"

There's a cricket living outside my apartment. I'm all "Cricket, it's winter, shouldn't you die?" and he's all "Chirp!" and we laugh.

"Oh my god! That guy's dead! Oh wait, he's totally fine." (someone watching soccer for the first time)

friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder