What's the difference between a Baby Hobbit and Taco Bell? One throws shire fits, and the other gives you fire shits.

I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.