""I used to work at a fire hydrant factory."" ""You couldn't park anywhere *near* the place!"" -Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog... ... He's gone now (credit to Steven Wright)

One day, I made instant coffee in my microwave. I nearly went back in time. - Steven Wright

I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer. Credit to Steven Wright.