Why did the dead baby cross the road Because I kicked it. Bonus wife is giving birth right now.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.