Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.