I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."

When Chuck Norris is pulled over, cops show him their IDs

"Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on

My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse -Are you describing Chuck Norris? Yes