parents: okay we will be home at 11 o'clock! clock: 11:01 me: they're dead i'm alone i need to start my orphan life now

At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog