Sam goes to the doctor... Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor. Doctor: How are you doing, Sam? Sam: Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child. Doctor: Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently. Sam: Oh yeah? What? Doctor: Well I was walking in the woods one day and I came across a rabbit. I lifted my walking stick, pointed it at the rabbit and yelled 'BANG!' Suddenly the rabbit fell over, dead. What do you think …

A Lion, a funnel web spider, a dog and a monkey are arguing over who is the most fearsome and powerful animal. The lion begins, arguing fiercely, “I have the loudest roar, I have massive teeth ready to pierce meat easily, I run faster than both of you reaching speeds of 70km/h. I am a symbol of courage, royalty and strength, you two stand no chance against me, you are all futile” The spider retorts, “pfft, that’s nothing, I’m stealthy, and dangerous. You cannot get rid of me. Lion, you have be…

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh