I got jumped by five guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever