By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.

When I call 911, I'm gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.

I'm open to change but not when it's sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

"Can I shit here?" ---- Sean Connery trying to make friends at the park but making enemies inshtead.