The first dad joke you'll make A guy calls the hospital. He says, ""You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"" The nurse says, ""Calm down. Is this her first child?"" He says, ""No! This is her husband!""

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

3 men at a funeral.. 3 men are at a mutual friend's funeral and witness a really beautiful eulogy. At the reception afterwards, the three of them are sitting together and talking about the funeral when one of them says ""Wow, that was really beautiful. What would you guys like to be said about you when you die?"" The first says ""I devoted a lot of my life to my medical practice. I really hope they talk about what a great doctor I was and how many lives I saved"". The second says ""I spent a lot…