My friend Todd, who is a midget was asked to be a judge at a local art show... While going over the entries with the other judges, they came across a particularly terrible painting. ""Oh my god, this is amazing,"" said Todd, ""I think we've found our winner."" ""Are you being sarcastic?"" one of the other judges asked. Todd replied, ""No, I'm just a little art official.""

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."

If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.