A nice Scottish lad moves to New York. After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites? New Jersey picked first.

There was a guy in Los Angeles who wanted to go to New York and a guy in New York who wanted to go to Los Angeles. The man from LA drove to NY at 200MPH. The New Yorker drove to LA at 150MPH. Where did the two of them meet? In jail

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?" "A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!" "You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?" The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver - what if he got into an accident? On the other hand, the driver felt…