3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A coup…

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.

[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH