Well, I don't know how my tattoo is gonna look when I'm 60, Carol, but I know you'll be dead by then so

If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business