My mom was the worst at having to break bad news to me. I remember i came home from school one day and she said, ""Anthony, i don't know how to tell you this, but I've been having an affair, and you can't tell dad. I said, ""well why not?"" She said, ""Because he just passed away. - Anthony Jeselnik

Light bulb jokes How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the Diet Coke and one to call daddy. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? Real men aren't afraid of the dark. How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bu..THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!! How many Altzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side. How many attention-deficit-disorder-kids does it take to change a light bulb? Look, a bunny. Ho…

What causes arthritis? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fel…

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition) What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt. The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you." "But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."