Why can't Abraham Lincoln remember the Gettysburg Address? Because he's dead.

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he'd probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*

Bubba applied to work for the FBI Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside. He said, ""Son, this may well be the worst I've ever seen anyone do on this test. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn't even …