Seeking to boost church attendance, a new Baptist minister began making personal calls to the homes of his parishioners. One man, who had not been to church for several months, was implored to join the congregation the following Sunday. It so happened that he was a producer of fine peach brandy and he said that he would attend church, but only on condition that the pastor drank some of his brandy and, more importantly, admitted to doing so in front of his congregation. The pastor agreed and drank up. That Sunday, as promised, the man attended the service and waited expectantly for the pastor to fulfil his part of the deal. After a few minutes, the pastor recognized him from the pulpit and declared with a visible smile: "I note with pleasure that Mr Finnegan is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given." There are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Mexican: 1. He was born in a barn. 2. He walked around in flip-flops. 3. If he ever did anything, it was a miracle. There are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with his meals. 3. He used olive oil. But the most compelling argument of all is that Jesus was a woman: 1. She fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food. 2. She kept trying to get her message across to a bunch of ignorant men. 3. And even when she was dead, she had to get up because there was still work to do. What do a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common? Black coat, white collar and you have to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.