A mother said to her grown-up daughter: "Honey, I don't want you to think I have diabetes because I'm fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family." The daughter shook her head in despair. "No, Mom," she replied, "you have diabetes because no one runs in our family." The only time it's cool to yell, 'I have diarrhoea!' is when you're playing Scrabble. Zach Galifianakis