*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans* "uhh grandpa who's that?" "my hip replacement"

Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night. Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I'd come back after a month

"Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan," says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

40 years later: - Grandpa, sing me a song of your youth. - Oppa Gangnam Style. Opp, opp, opp, opp!

Grandma is doing her best to stay cool. She signed up for some hip surgery.

did you hear the one about the arguing grandfather clocks? one chimed in and other tocked over him. also they were both racists

Little Red Riding Hood sure took a long time to realize the talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandma.

"Do you think I could sell this couch on Craigsface?" --Grandma

Given that my grandmother's world is upended by soup that is too salty, I can't help but question how bad The Depression REALLY was.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible -Grandpa's guide to lawn mowing

My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.

Grandpa: "My joints are stiff." Me: "Don't roll them so tight."

Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google - Grandfather Clock

Remember to check on your elderly neighbors to see if they have anything worth stealing.

Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real Me: Yea Dad: There's one more thing Me: Don't say it Dad: Retirement Me: *sobs uncontrollably

KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He's 65 now and we don't know where he is.

"Well well well." - Me, answering three questions: 1.) How are you? 2.) What's your favorite adverb? 3.) Where'd you hide grandma?

daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.

It was a blessing that grandpa past away peacfully in his sleep, but tragic for the passengers in his car.