Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Perks of dating me : I'm too lazy to cheat on you

*Paper beats rock* *Paper beats eggs* *Paper beats his girlfriend* *Paper beats his three year old*

"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.

My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.

When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop dating women who believe in the healing powers of crystals and I'm all like, "Nope."

Pretty rude of you to have a crush on someone else when I've done absolutely nothing to show I'm attracted to you.

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

I don't understand why people get excited about carbon dating. But then perhaps I just haven't met the right pencil.

You know who else doesn't leave another man's girlfriend alone? Mosquitos

My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower* Girl: do bad things to me babe Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.

Boyfriend's on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones. I'm on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

I really need to find a boyfriend. Guy at poker table was like "This is my girlfriend, Kayla," and I was like, "This is my sandwich, Ham."

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

The most stable relationship I've had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we've been dating for the past year.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face