[at a funeral] *approaches the weeping widow and embraces her* *whispers* "So you're single now, right?

When I was a kid we didn't add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like shit but we liked it because we liked being not dead.

I am not a ride or die chick. I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn't you like my last pic?..

It's not really murder if you're already dead to me.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl? "Ya, but only cuz the commercials." [sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Friend: I love FB but it's gettin a lil boring. Me: Well that's cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

You guys know I'm not one to brag, but my cooking is "to die from."

The Hobbit 4: Bilbo's relatives auction off his stuff Bilbo puts on his ring One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

*2 pieces of bread being held hostage* bread 1: any way you slice it we're toast bread 2: we're dead wheat me: did my breakfast just talk

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we're with the bad guys? Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St... to the ship.

I texted my ex, I'm at a cemetery..... wish you were here.

Pet Cemetery 3: People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives. Somebody buries dinosaur bones. Jurassic Park ensues.

Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

I probably would have been a pretty good doctor, until I found out that I still get paid if the people die. Then I'd just be like, whatever

Hey Girl is your Dad an Astronaut??Because I'm from Nasa. There has been a terrible accident at the Space Station and he is dead

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him. You'll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Some guy had a concrete bench as his memorial. Seems odd but it's genius; he's dead and still getting ass.

Spider-Man's a great addition to The Avengers, if they're looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.

I'm trying this Paleo lifestyle where I live in constant fear and die at the age of 28

[at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It's what he would have wanted...

*do a little dance* *make a little love* *get kicked out of this funeral*

"Want to parachute?" "No thanks, I'd rather not maybe die while strapped to a guy I met twenty minutes ago."

Life dull? Add 'or die trying' to every statement. "I'm gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING." Instant excitement.