A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

[waiting for elevator] Coworker: Hey, how's it go- Me: I'll take the stairs.

*kisses new boss on lips as I say goodbye at the end of my first day*

At my job interview today the Boss said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."

*opens "Job Interview Handbook" *reads "dress for the job you want" *goes to computer *opens browser *Googles "ladies' bicycle seat costume"

[outpost in the Arctic Circle] "I'm quitting, here's my 2 week notice" BOSS: The days last 6 months here "Sonofa..."

HR: know why you're here? Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter Union: well..unsafe..but fired? HR: the candy cutter's name is Trish

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, "how did the job interview go?" in front of everyone.

If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: yes INTERVIEWER: holy shit

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer "all sales are vinyl" until I was fired. It would be worth it.

[interview] "Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?" "Yeah, sorry, that's a typo"

Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?

"I don't know, dude. Probably science & shit." Worst answer I ever gave in a job interview. :(

[Interview] "Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?" [flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter] ..Yes.

Lance Armstrong got emotional during his Oprah interview, but numerous sources are reporting that he used performance enhancing onions.

[on a speed date] *2 min long fart* "It was nice meeting you."

the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok

REALLY?! WHY?! - my reaction to meeting a white guy named Andre

In the 1970s, a team of racist office supply scientists invented the whiteboard with an evil plan to replace every blackboard in the world.

[at goverment office] hi yes um.. my social security number isnt workimg. i've never once felt secure in a social situation

OH: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.

ME: Sorry I'm late, I had computer problems. BOSS: Hard drive? ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home? Me: I don't even think about work at work.