Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he's in there the more powerful he'll become.

"911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"

An optimistic donut sees the cop as half full.

*Me getting pulled over* Me:license and registration please? Guy police officer :I pulled u over.. Me:do u really want to argue with me?

People always say pigs can't fly like they've never seen a police helicopter before.

You get in trouble for resisting arrest, but apparently you don't get extra credit for handcuffing yourself in advance.

"Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop." "I'm a cop." "So you're a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let's do this shit"

I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.

Cop: Reason I pulled you over was you were swerving Me: Sorry was tryin to catch a Pokemon Cop: Which one!? I mean let me see your license

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

[arguing with friend about chemistry] *cop walks up* do we have a problem here? Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house

Me: HOLY SHIT! We've been robbed! Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police? Me: (Sigh) No, I'm calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Cop: Know how fast you were going? "55?" Cop: Faster. "217." Cop: Um, no, 72. "24?" Cop: I already told y- "Negative 6?" Cop: Get out.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!

I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar Hamburglar: you've got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You're thinking of hamburgerburglar

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. "Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!"

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Good cop "If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal..." Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

COP: Your home was robbed ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system C: Didn't work M: Back to the drawing board C: They stole that M: Dang

*Interrogation room w/ murderer* I'd start talking, my partner isn't so nice... *From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*

Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.

*detective bangs on table* I SAID GIVE ME A NAME! "Uh, Aaron?" Aaron... I like it! *'Aaron' leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*