Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.

Speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. I know that now.

Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like "You guys don't know her very well"

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.

Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu? Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She's aaall over me it's crazy. Eel: For the last time barnacles don't count as girlfriends

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Computer dating is fine... if you are a computer.

I've been dating this really sweet homeless guy. I think it's getting serious. He's asked me to move out with him.

DATING TIP: Don't reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

[speed dating] Me: Have you ever choked someone? "No I would never do something like that" Me: Next

*Attempts to use 'I have a boyfriend' meme* Meme: I have a boyfriend.

If it weren't for dating sites, I'd still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it's all gone now.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it

That's it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I'm going to say "no, I'm just sleeping around".

Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.

I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them.

The best thing about non-sequiturs is the bacon flavored wheelbarrow and my cat thinks he's Anderson Cooper's boyfriend.

dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don't trust his advice.