Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat" me: wife: "give him some chocolate then" me: "i don't want to kill him linda"

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

"what's your most cherished memory keith?" [looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile] [leans into mic] i heard a dog laugh once