Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.

[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.