Mah Dearest Emma, War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

The usher in church greets one of their members... and says ""Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"" The member says,""I am in the Lord's army"". The usher asked,""Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"" The member leaned over and whispered,""I'm in the Secret Service.""

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him ""You need to join the Army of the Lord!"" My friend replied ""I'm already in the Army of the Lord Pastor."" Pastor questioned ""How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"" He whispered back ""I'm in the secret service.

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” Jack replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” Jack whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”