Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"

[dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."

"Nice place!" Mmmehh "Hungry?" Mmmehh "You look nice." Mmmehh "DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?" Mmmehh "Mom told me not to date a goat."