Sean Connery had a role in a movie so he had to send his father to a nursing home. After the old man arrived there a nurse forced him to wear a diaper. He was so perplexed that he stayed in his room for a few days and spoke to no one. On a lovely day he decided to spend some time in the garden. He wanted to warm his bones in the sun and enjoy nature. As soon as he tried to leave a nurse stopped him. ""Where are you going?"" ""I just want to relax in the garden and enjoy the warm weather."" ""I a…

Sean Connery: He Only Carries Plastic *Again, read in the man's unmistakable voice* What's the difference between your mother and a hundred dollar bill? Well, I don't have the cash on me to break a hundred. But I did break your mother last night.

Light bulb jokes How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the Diet Coke and one to call daddy. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? Real men aren't afraid of the dark. How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bu..THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!! How many Altzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side. How many attention-deficit-disorder-kids does it take to change a light bulb? Look, a bunny. Ho…

What causes arthritis? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fel…