What do you do all day? A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with…

Why are married women always fatter than single women? Single women come home, see what they have in the fridge and go to bed, while married women come come, see what they have in the bed and go to the fridge.

Honey, did you upgrade the bathroom? A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife. “Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks. “Why do you ask?” she replies, curious. “Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!” His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.