George, are you high?","No mom. The smell is incense, my eyes are red from browsing reddit for hours and I'm just keeping that unicorn here until Tim comes back from Florida.

An Irish boy comes home after school. His father asks him how his day went. The boy replies: "I think I'm in love." His father says: "But that's great, son! Tell me, who are you in love with? Is it Fiona?" No. "Is it Mary?" No. "Is it Rosy?" NO, dad... I... I'm in love with Tim. The father explodes: "Tim? TIM? My son, why are you doing this to your family? Tim is Protestant!!

Why did Tim Tebow's mom protest against the Russian soup truck? It contained a borscht ton.

Man goes to his son and asks 'Did you tip over the outhouse'? Son says, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek'. Father says 'That's it, you're going to the woodshed for some serious ass-whuppin!' 'But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn't get punished!' 'George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree!'